Hindsight to Insight

Happy Birthday Blog!!! Yep it’s been a year. Isn’t that nuts? I can’t believe how much has changed in one year, and then again, some things have stayed the same as well. There were many blessings and tough times; I worked through a lot of hurts and insecurities. And a few of them I am still walking through.
As this year comes full circle, I feel a lot of doors on my life closing and I am finally beginning to see a tiny glimmer of light creeping out from behind a door that I have been praying would open. As I think about the steps that God has taken to get me here, this past year is beginning to make sense.

First I had to hit ROCK bottom, never a fun thing to do, and honestly, 100% avoidable. Then God had to break through all of my thick defenses and astound me with his mercy. (That was my favorite part) As I think back on that part of the year, the best way I can describe it to you, is that it felt like a porch on a cool crisp morning, sitting wrapped in a warm fluffy blanket with a cup of hazelnut coffee and piece of whole wheat toast with melting cinnamon butter. MMMMM

The next chapter was exciting at first with a little bit of a sting. I’ve had a heart for the nations for a long time and wanted to serve the lord to reach the lost people groups of the world, but wasn’t sure what that looked like. Then an old acquaintance showed up in my life and talked about a wonderful year long global mission trip he would attend. It sparked a fire in me again and I was sure this meant I needed to drop everything in my life and GO right then. I became so excited and my spirit bubbled like a shaken up coke can. Then as I began to pray a familiar thing happened in my life…. God said wait. Ooo Sting!

But he quickly reviled why I needed to wait. Finances - ugh. I know that at any moment God can snap his fingers and provide a million dollars for me to jet around the world in his name but that wouldn’t teach me much about his character and who he is. And it certainly would teach me his view on glory and riches. I had been dealing very unjustly with the little money that God was intrusting to me and had been doing so since I was old enough to say “charge it.” He then brought people in my life with a passion to help me correct this and I began serving God with his money as opposed to giving it to mammon. I still have a ways to go but since then have paid of most of my consumer debt and get excited every time I get to pay off a bill!!!! The Texan in my wants to scream YEEEEHAWWW!!!!

Then God brought up relationships, never a fun insecurity to tackle, especially when I have never had a healthy one ever! He laid many types of relationships on my heart all at once and this made for a stressful and depressing time for me. They all hit me at the same time: parents, friends, cousins, coworkers, mentors, roommates, husband (or lack thereof.) I love people and being around them but for some reason I had a horrible self destructive way of showing it. I chose to ignore God and continue to try to work on this my own way. Then the horrible earthquake and Tsunami hit Japan and it was as if those aftershocks made it around the world and hit my heart.

That was in March and when I began listening to God’s plan for my relationships. Now during those 4 months I had mini ups and downs trying to do it on my own or distract myself. I felt alone and it got kind of nasty there for a bit when I let my circumstances take the place of God’s promises. But when I relied on God and listened to him, together we tackled most of the relationships I mentioned above. I have really come to terms with them and hit a mini breakthrough last night in my quiet time. What peace.

Proverbs 9:6 “Leave your simple ways and live and walk in the ways of insight.”

What’s next for me and what will this next year look like? I have no idea. Like I mentioned before I see a tiny light on the horizon but am not sure what it is yet. Insight tells me to have hopes and dreams but no expectations. When you hope for something you are surprised and blessed when it happens when you expect it you aren’t grateful when it comes and hurt if it doesn’t. So here’s to hope for a joyous next year!!!

Just for fun!!!

Walk it Out

Walk it out

Now Walk it Out

Walk it out

Now Walk it Out

Walk it out

I said do it how you do it gone and walk it out….

If you are like me, this highly catchy yet inappropriate song by UNK reminds you of America’s Best Dance Crew. Nevertheless it gets stuck in my head every time I hear someone say (in serious conversation) something along the lines of “you need to live by faith and just Walk It Out daily.” I always snicker at these improper times and then find myself awkwardly trying to explain how the mental image of JabbaWockeeZ dancing to praise music is bouncing around in my head. It is most uncomfortable.

Well this song has been stuck in my head all day because it’s what I am doing. Walking it out with Him. God is dealing with some tough insecurities in my life right now, and the more I work though it the harder it gets. My only hope is in Him, I am clinging to Him and His word and taking it step by step. (ok great, now I have New Kids on the Block stuck in my head) UGH!!

But really, in all seriousness I am clinging to the hope of brighter days to come. Days when this battle is over ad God has come out victorious. I find small comfort in the fact that I am not running away or blaming others for this, like I usually do. I am choosing to trust the Lord with my heart, when in the past I would question him and just take matters into my own hands. I am aware that these difficulties stem from me and my own insecurities and incorrect perspective of the situation, and I am working through it.

I am trying to rely on Gods promises and not dwell on my circumstances.

Proverbs 3:5-8 Trust in the lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

And Just in case you are wondering; what the heck is America’s Best Dance Crew and the JabbaWockeez. I have attached an awesome compilation I found on YouTube. And yes if I ever end up in Vegas again I will drop the dough to seem them live!!! They have shows twice daily at the Monte Carlo on the strip in Las Vegas. Tickets are $52.

Passion and Purpose

Why am I an all or nothing kind of girl? I love passion and so wish that I could obtain it for something for more than a nanosecond. I do have passion and drive for things but it always tends to fade with time. Like with this blog for example. I truly loved it for a good few months. It was a great outlet of creativity and inspiration a wonderful place for me to reflect on the amazing wonders that God brought my way. It still could be if I found a little bit of drive and passion.


A few things I wish I had consistent passion for. Photography, crafting, cooking, art, travel, world missions, reading, working out, the poor and the broken, my friends, and my family. Those are just a few. The only things in my life that passion never seems to die for is TV, movies, and food; and that makes for a deadly combination and a very uninteresting hermit lifestyle.

I pray daily that God would magically open doors and provide me with an unbelievably amazing job that encompasses all of my talent and passion and still provide for me financially. The only problem with this scenario is that I am not sure where my passion lies and what exactly my talents are.

I know that God has a plan for me and I will continue to grow and change and I am so grateful for it. I just wish that I knew what it was that I was created specifically to do. I know that on a whole humanity was created to worship and be loved by our creator but individually we were given special strengths within the body. I would like to know if I am the foot, meant to go and tell the world of this great love. Or maybe I am a hand meant to help others up when they are down. Or am I the eyes made to watch and be on the lookout for those in need. There are so many different gifts, as many as there are people on this earth; I am just having a little bit of difficulty locating mine. So if your gift is finding other’s strengths, I could use a little help right about now.

No Profanity Here!

Day 3 a picture of your favorite TV show…

Well folks I have to admit I don’t really have a favorite TV show per say. I wish I did, because if I did have a favorite TV show that would be an indicator that I actually have a way to watch TV, but I don’t. I do have a television but it is only hooked up to a DVD player, and I should be able to pick up local stations but I only get a bad reception of PBS, so I don’t even bother turning it on.

You see, I chose not to pay for the luxury of cable because I am vigorously fighting off DEBT that I accrued during college. Yup I said it, that dirty 4 letter word DEBT.

• Disclaimer: Because I don’t encourage profanity I will refer to this dirty word as D**T throughout the remainder of this blog.

I am in D**T up to my eyeballs, please note “up to my eyeballs” does not mean “in over my head.” (I think most Americans are in D**T up to their eyeballs and won’t admit it) But they say the first step to recovery is admitting your problem right? Well whoever “they” are tell them it’s on to step 2 for me…

For years I told myself that student loans, medical bills, and car payments were just a way of life, a fact, like Taxes and death. But it doesn’t have to be; in fact it’s not how God intended it to be. I recently took a biblical financial planning course called Crown Financial and it changed my view on money.

When I started applying God’s biblical principles to my check book (or now-a-days I guess we should say debit card) it was amazing how quickly things changed. I went from being in over my head to just up to my eyeballs. My bad four letter word D**T is still there and I still live pay check to pay check but the burden I carried for my finances is gone. God is allowing me to be very aggressive with my payments and intentional with every cent that he gives to me.

During the ten week course, through faithfulness, blessings, gifts and tears (cause let’s face it I’m a girl and this stuff is stressful) God allowed me to pay off 3 medical bills, one credit card, a loan from my Grandma for car repairs, and he lowered my car payments and the interest rate on one of my loans. It will still be years before I am out or D**T but at least I see the way out now. It has been amazing to see how God has used money to shower blessings in my life. Yes I just used the word money and blessing in the same sentence in reference to an American. I thought money could only be a blessing in a third world country.

I think a lot of people have the wrong perception of Money. I know before this study I did, I thought that it was the root of all evil and that it only made the rich greedy and materialistic, and that it left the poor needy and oppressed. But that is NOT how God views money. It’s hard to think that God even has a view on money but he does. And he can use it just like he uses everything else in our lives to bless us and those in our community, country and yes the rest of the world.

All that being said, I sorrta do have a favorite TV show. I have to wait until the day after it airs and watch in on the internet during my lunch break but I do get to watch this one show. I am not sure if I am more embarrassed to admit my D**T or the fact that I enjoy watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. They are actually awful shows of heartbreak, vanity, materialism, greed, and lust and I know I shouldn’t watch it but it’s like a train wreck I just can’t look away. People amaze me, they always have, and not always for the best reasons. Maybe once God tackles my D**T he can start to work on my habit of watching this show. Until then read this blog about Moses watching the Bachelor. It's pretty funny. Bryan Allain Blog

Penny Rich? Hardly!

Here is what I don’t understand. (well to be honest I don’t understand a lot of things but for times’ sake just go with me on this one) I don’t understand the physics of my bank account. I have been very busy this past month and have not been blogging. But I have been budgeting. And I can’t for the life of me figure out how every month it seems like my money gets spread thinner and thinner. I have the same bills every month, and drive roughly the same amount. Then why does it just keep getting harder and harder. I have a strict time scheduled budget and make enough money for a small family to live on but I can’t seem to make ends meet. I have student loans, and car payments, rent, utility bills, medical bills and yes credit card bills mainly from when I was a silly 18 year old that went and got a credit card. The balance just never seems to go down. It seems like every month the money I put into it I have to use in an emergency situation aka I’m out of money with 7 days to pay day and need a tank of gas.

I tithe every paycheck. It isn’t an easy thing to do, I give a little more than 10% and by a little more I mean 10.1% lol. But it is so hard for me to joyfully give that 10% when it is nearly 5 times what I have left over for food once all my bills are paid. It is Christmas and I love giving my family gifts. They are never big impressive gifts but they are always from my heart and it makes me feel good. But I don’t know if I am going to have enough money this year to give everyone something, and that is hard when gift giving is your love language. Why does it have to be so hard? I truly don’t understand. It seems that people that live in poverty do better than me and I make plenty of money. I mean in physics it says that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction then why isn’t all of this budgeting and diligence making me any head way? It seems like the more I plan with my finances the worse they get???? Ugh.

I am going to take a finance course with my church at the first of the year, it teaches biblical financial principles. It has helped a lot of people and I am hoping I am it's next victim. I dont know, but from where I am standing a second job looks like my only hope.

Love Lost to Pain,

There are people in my life I love very very much. You read me right, PEOPLE. That means it is a plural. I LOVE more than one person and each one I love differently. So why then does it hurt me so bad to see that people who once dotted on me, showed their love to me with verbal affirmation, help me grow and trusted me have begun to give these things to others. Why do I feel replaced and forgotten?

I suppose this feeling is jealousy. But honestly my whole life I thought of jealousy as an angry vengeful emotion. You see it portrayed in cartoons as a character who sees something they want, so they plot to get it; they often become frustrated and turn green with envy and have smoke pouring out of their ears.

But that is not how I feel. What I feel is a searing pain; rejection, inadequacy, betrayal, loss, remorse. Just when I think the pain is reaching a calloused sate and I can leave those relationships in the past; full of warm fuzzy happy memories. I hear something or see something that brings that pain back again. Just when I feel that I need to “pull up my big-girl britches” and make the first step to patch these lost relationships, fear gets in the way. I become afraid to be completely rejected. I choose to sit in the pain and sulk rather than make attempts to rekindle what I have lost; because at least the pain is there.

I realize that this makes no sense whatsoever. But it is too hard to tell my heart the truth. I know in my head that the relationship is already damaged and if it cannot be fixed then at least I can start to grieve over the totality of the loss, but my heart won’t let me accept that. Instead, in its attempts to protect its calloused parts, my heart doesn’t want to reopen those wounds, take responsibility for my part in the brokenness and accept the outcome of the vulnerability. I don’t actually think there would be total rejection from my loved ones but there is always that possibility, so I wait stubbornly for them to make the first move. Every day that passes makes it harder and harder to repair.

So perhaps this pain is not just jealousy but pride as well. And again I thought of pride as a dirty evil feeling that only lashed out at others. But here these two emotions wrapped into one have beaten me up and left me trembling in the corner like a whipped dog. And perhaps the other halves of these relationships feel the same way, perhaps not, but my pride won’t let me find out.

I know that all of these feelings are due to the fact that I find my acceptance and fulfillment from others, even others it should feel safe to find acceptance in like family and friends. But the truth is that no one can make me feel worthy, loved, adored, accepted or whole but God. But because of all of life experiences and every relationship big or small letting me down in some way, the human way, it’s hard to break down those walls and let someone fulfill me. Even if that someone is the ever present, all powerful, just, loving, father of all. But this all comes down to trust and faith, which is a daily struggle for me.

I know as soon as I find my true fulfillment in Him it will be easy to get over my pride and jealousy and attempt to reconnect to those I have lost along the way. I will no longer blame others for this pain but rather hand it over to the only one who can take it away. I will not fear rejection because even if I were rejected I could find acceptance in Him. I will not be trembling in the corner because God could take on that burden. I am not saying that God magically makes you happy and have no pain or fears (he could do that but it isn’t how he usually works.) What he does to is make the weight bearable because he will never leave you or forsake you, never let you down, and will take on your burdens for he already bore them on the cross.

Living in a new "Always"

I know I lack a lot and I have a lot of growing to do. However it has always been sort of a gift of mine to have compassion for people, or well “always” since I’ve been born again into my new nature under Jesus. And if you want “always” to get more specific, it would be since I started my personal relationship with him the summer I turned 17. Now again, this compassion hasn’t always been a deep consistent compassion especially when I was hurting, scared, or just flat out running from God. But all that aside, it has “always” been a part of who I am now.

It is natural for me to have compassion for my friends when they hurt, it is my job to have compassion for the fatherless that our society often forgets, it is the teachings of my savior to have compassion toward my enemies, and it’s my specific calling to have compassion for the suffering of countries who yearn for the gospel. But, today our happy little friend, Facebook, that we would all be lost without, put my compassion to a test.

After church, lunch, a movie and a nap I decided to venture out to a coffee shop and borrow their internet. While I love Sugar Browns and speak highly of them frequently, today I went to the heart of Boho chic college-kid’s ville. That’s right my friends I am writing this to you at J&;B coffee house, where the coffee is cheap, the internet is free and dreadlocks run amuck. No lie, right now as I type this there is a rainbow outside the window, acoustic guitars, a Frisbee game in the parking lot, apple computers everywhere, what looks like a bicycle rally in the front, and more dreads than a Bob Marley concert. But I enjoy the atmosphere.

I found myself a little corner opened up my out of place IBM ThinkPad and went right to my fall back time killer, Facebook. When BAM! There it was, slander, hate-talk, internet bullying, ignorance, immaturity, crudeness, whatever you want to call it. It sent the blood coursing through my veins. Some random person had called someone, I love very much, a very derogative, dirty, hurtful name right there for the whole world to see.



My Mommy and Me

 Something in me snapped, I wanted very much for this person to hurt; I wanted justice for the pain they had caused my loved one. The only way I can think of to describe this is to compare myself to a lioness defending her cubs from the scrounging hyenas. So what did I do? I called my mommy. My mom is my best friend and usually helps me through these things. She is very level headed and always thinks of things objectively. But she didn’t answer, that’s her one flaw. She often forgets to turn her phone off silent after she returns from work leaving me stranded to handle my own messes like an adult.

So instead of thinking about the situation in a rational way or taking my anger and bitterness to God like I needed to, I let it sit and fester inside of me. Eventually my mom called me back and just letting the anger out helped but it didn’t make it go away.

As I sat for a while and thought about what had just happened and why I felt the way I did toward a complete stranger. It occurred to me that Hate breeds Hate. So I used the same internet that had been used as a tool to stir up this hate to open up ESV.org… My online bible. It’s not as good as the real thing but in times of need serves its purpose. I read Titus chapter 3. Titus 3:3 says 3 For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another.

This is true. It was like this for me in the time before my “always” but God came and gave me a regeneration, he justified me and game me hope, read further. Titus 3:4-7 4 But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, 6 whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7 so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life

And because of this new “always” in my life I shouldn’t hate this hater who hurt the one I love, but rather devote myself to goodness for the Lord because it will be more profitable for all people. Titus 3:8 8 The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people.

I want to make it clear here that the following scriptures emphasize not to put an emphases on the good works because it is by God’s mercy and not the law that we are found righteous in Christ. But it was this chapter that reminded me: to hate this person not only goes against my “always” but it is not profitable for this person either. If I hate him but claim to love God am I a liar. Therefore I am sorry, Facebook person, for my anger and hatred toward you. I am not a liar and I love God therefore I must also love you….. But please stop calling people ugly names. Ok? Ok.

Once Upon a Dream

Dreams… Dreams can mean a ton of things. To a little girl who flew back and forth to visit her divorced parents every other weekend it was a dream, aspiration, to grow up and be a flight attendant. She thought those women were so kind and took such good care of her that at night she slept with her Stewardess Barbie under her pillow. (You know in case of fire, she had to save her favorite Barbie.) Fast forward a few years to an awkward curly-haired teenager whose dreams were, fantasy. Where the boy of her dreams would run off the football field sweep her up and they would live happily ever after; rich and beautiful forever. This dream often interfered with reality and school work; and to be honest haunted her much past her teenage years. As this girl matured her dreams became a delight. What a dream it was to sit in a classroom on Texas Tech University campus and wonder who had sat in that seat before her. Her mom, her dad? Who would sit there after her? A future president? Maybe her own children someday? But dreams are also neurological processes during sleep. Well that little girl is all grown up and had one of those “neurological processes” the other night.

I was transferred in this dream back to a place and time, where people whom I loved and trusted were causing trauma to me and those around me. During that time everyday was a struggle for survival and sanity and it was no different in this vivid dream. In the dream I was guarding something… no someone, two someones that I loved very much. They were weak and at first I was strong and took all of the trauma due them.

But the longer this went on the harder it was for me to protect them I began making sacrifices of myself to keep them guarded form the people who wanted to hurt them. I traded things that were dear to me, grew a hard outer shell, and long dark claws. I began to trash with these claws causing pain to others; not caring who I hurt, what I gave up or threw away to save the ones I cared about. In the end I was left a mangled mess of a monster, with no resemblance of the brave strong girl I was at the start of the dream. I was too tired to fight and could no longer save the ones I loved.

One of my loved ones was frozen in fear stuck to constantly relive the events. They could no longer recognized me, terrified of the things they had seen me do to others in attempt to save them. My other loved one seemed so unaware of the true events outside of the realm of protection I was trying to provide. They had become angry at my attempts to corral their curiosity toward the ones wanting to hurt them and as soon as I could no longer protect them they ran freely and excited into the arms of the enemy. In my attempt to save them I had lost them both.

I think dreams are much more than aspirations, fantasies, delights, and neurological processes. The bible talks about many dreams, and the Lord has used them in several ways:

1. A warning to flee in Mathew 2:13

2. A prophesy (I know, one of those scary words) to Joseph in Genesis 37:1-11

3. An encouragement in light of opposition in Judges 7:13-15

4. A way to provide us the desires of our heart in 1 Kings 3: 5-6

5. To reveal the temptation of sin we may be unaware of in Genesis 20: 3-7

6. To comfort us when we are scared in Matthew 1:20

Anyway I am sure there are others but these are the ones that came to mind. That being said it is apparent that God can use these neurological processes that happen in our subconscious. In reflecting on the events of the dream much like I reflect on the events of the day I learned a few things. So whether God sent me this dream or not and whatever your personal beliefs are on dreams doesn’t matter. What matters is that I learned a lot from my little dream, therefore God used it.

I learned that he must be my refuge; if I try to fight my own battles I can lose myself, compromise my beliefs, and hurt others. I must humble myself to his authority. I also learned that I need to let go of the ones I care about because the more I try to hold on to them the more damage I can do. I must cast all of my anxieties on him. God can protect them better than I can and will not lose them along the way like I did. I must be sober-minded. I learned that the enemy can use even my love toward people as a tool for deception. I must be watchful for the devil prowls like a lion. I learned that others will make their own decisions even if their decisions hurt me but that I need to trust that God has their best interest at heart. I need to stand firm in my faith and know that others are suffering too. And because I learned so much from this messy dream I know that after I suffer a little God will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish me.


I did wake up from this dream shaken but, again, just as he does with reality, he took the mess and once I trusted him with it, he cultivated it into an opportunity to reveal more of himself to me.

1 Peter 5: 6-10
6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Baby Steps (frustrate me)

I can’t believe it has been a whole week since I blogged. And then again sooo much happened that it could very well have been a year. Lol, More from last week to come for now just a  little....

UPDATE!

I have been whining praying for discernment hard core for a while. I know God has an almighty supernatural power and could strike me like a bolt of lightning and grant be the gift of discernment with a tiny snap of his fingers. But, I think God finds greater joy in watching me suffer grow. (even if it frustrates me to no end) I am growing I guess, in tiny baby steps with lots of help from my girls. It seems lately every time I open my Bible to have a lil one on one time with the Big Man (aka Jesus…. No Grandma I am no dating a “big man” that I read the bible with. I promise I will let you know when if that happens.) Anyway, during every quiet time He (again Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit, whichever of the trinity you feel more comfortable envisioning) leads me to some scripture refereeing to the time when the Israelites have just come out of captivity from the Babylonians. Most of the time he is so happy about them being home that he is making promise after promise about how many blessings they will receive, but sometimes he gently reminds them of the tasks he had set for them before they went into captivity. Well as you can guess he is using this analogy, to parallel my newly awakened walk with him, and to teach me discernment. I am frustrated by my lack of understanding enjoying the growing process but wish I could just get it already.

Ok update over thanks for the prayers they are coming to fruition. Slowly but Surely, which is not how I like to do things but I am also learning from that. Ugh so many lessons so little time.

A Fast Prayer

Hum how to explain these past few days???Well I have some things on my heart so I sought the council of my wonderful preacher’s wife Crystal… you know the one who introduced me to the term Godly Sandpaper-Person. I talked to her about many things on my heart and how to muddle through them. She encouraged me to fast and pray. OK NBD right? I mean, the pray part thing I can handle, been doing that since I could talk. As for the fasting… well now that is a scary word. I was brought up in a very conservative church and anything beyond reading your bible and praying was considered “charismatic.” Because of this my views on matters of the spirit and hearing from the Lord have been very skewed to say the least.

In college I was introduced to the idea of fasting while I was on a leadership committee for a Christian organization. I did it at the strong urging of my fellow committee members, and not because I had heard from the Lord. So it was what I want to call baby fasting; I fasted from things like coke, sweets, TV, and my beloved car radio. Don’t get me wrong fasting from these things can be very important if God lays in on your heart my baby fasting was more referring to my attitude. I saw it as just a test of my will-power rather than a time to better encounter God and intercede for things in prayer.

This time however as soon as Crystal suggested to fast I felt a strong desire from the Lord to fast from food for two weeks. Whoa whoa whoa cool your jets don’t freak out let me explain. I didn’t feel the need to restrain from all food for all two weeks but for some reason two weeks and food were things on my heart. I went home and prayed and really felt that God wanted me to completely fast from food every other day during this time. As a teenager I had an attempt at the very unhealthy eating disorder, anorexia, which lasted all of 6hours. And that, my friends, is probably the longest I have gone in my waking life without a full meal. So these two weeks were and are going to be very trying for me.

I am now on my fifth day of the 14 day fast and day three of the food free days. Day one wasn’t so hard and I spent a lot of it reverently in prayer, every time my tummy growled I would pause and pray and then the time I would have normally spent preparing and eating my meals I spent in the word or again praying. Well on this day I also discovered that a nice big glass of chocolate milk could fill my tummy and proved an adequate amount of nutrition for the day. Thanks God, I love chocolate milk!!!! (for reals no sarcasm there I do really love it)

I found that my second of the food free days was the exact opposite of the first day. I spent it whining and complaining that I was hungry and begging God to fill my tummy rather than praying for the things on my heart. I also slept horribly that night and was grumpy the next morning because I had a crick in my neck and to top it off I over slept which meant I didn’t get to eat breakfast before I needed to be at church. The rest of Sunday was full of wonderful food and fellowship. God even blessed me by having a sweet soul pay for my lunch, they didn’t even know about the fast and what a simple but AWESOME blessing this was in my life.

Well to make a long story that is getting longer somewhat short... Despite another awful night of sleep and a horrible pain in my neck today’s fast has been much much better. I think I am finally learning how to have a good balance of prayer for God to sustain my hunger and the things on my heart. He even reveled to me a book in the bible to read. It is obvious he wants me to gain wisdom from this book because it specifically addresses, almost verbatim, things I have been praying for.

Now all I need is discernment to understand what it is he is trying to tell me through the passages. So if you have the time lift up a "fast prayer" (hehe I am so funny) about my fast and specifically pray for discernment. I need it now more than ever, or well maybe I needed it on Sunday before laughing out loud in church when no one else did and the whole congregation turned and looked at me, but nonetheless I need it now too!

Discernment my lack there of

Discernment. Noun: the ability to judge well.


I could fill an entire blog about my lack of discernment. The hilarious stories that have come from my lack of better judgment number more than the stars. Some people say that God wanted to laugh so he created a zebra; I say God wanted a laugh so he created me without an ounce of discernment.

I have this incredible knack for putting my foot in my mouth at just the wrong time and making everything awkward, laughing at the wrong moment, saying the most ridiculous off the wall statement, falling down, or walking into a situation that is full of tension and pointing out the elephant in the room. It has caused a great deal of embarrassment but I have grown resilient to the effects of humors attention.

When I was a child this recklessness caused me many time outs and more than a few stern talks, I even ruined several surprise parties and in my excitement blurted out what was in gifts before they were opened. I spoiled more than one child’s belief in Santa and the Easter bunny and was that kid that told my parent friends what they really said about them behind closed doors. As a teenager it was all chalked up to my “awkward” stage and rumours even flew that I did these thing for attention or just because I was “weird.” I was thought of as a snitch though I never once told on purpose. In college it seemed to my advantage. I was the quirky endearing small town girl. My inability to discern who was and was not a good person to share details I had obtained in confidence quickly grew my popularity. I seemed sweet and gentle hearted and everybody would share their business with me. And better yet they knew they could get me to share somebody else’s business with them. This lack of judgment was beginning to break hearts and ruin friendships.

As I am now a woman in the world and all on my own; my discernment issues are now hurting more than my social life. I have long learned to keep other’s hearts protected and guard the parts of them they share with me (aka I keep my mouth shut about what my friends tell me), and I still have my quirky sweet hearted awkward moments that define me as a person. I suppose these attributes are endearing (at least I hope so), but my inability to know what to share and how much of myself to revel to others has caused me great heartache in recent years. I trust people, I never think before I speak of my heart and will pour my guts out to anyone whom asks. This isn’t safe and I have had to learn that the hard way. I also struggle with knowing what to say to my friends to comfort them. I am yet able to discern what it is they need from me. I usually try to think of something I have learned in my past to help them but often find I dominate the conversation and open more wounds for them rather than help mend the ones they had in the first place. I don’t do these things on purpose; it is like there is something in me that just won’t shut up when it needs to. If you are my friend you know what I am talking about. Ugh lol and if you’re not my friend you can just ask and I’ll probably tell you everything I shouldn’t, it’s just my nature.

Needless to say the time to acquired great discernment is long long overdue. 1 Corinthians 13:11 comes to mind. “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” It is time and I pray that God gives me discernment and I only hope it’s not like when you pray for patience. But I fear it will be. So wish me luck I’ll need it!!!!

Sandpaper-Person

God is love. God IS love. God is LOVE. Sometimes I have to remind myself.

I sat down here to rant and rave about someone in my life that I must be around often. This person and I, are for a lack of better terms Godly sandpaper. You see she rubs me the wrong way. And I can’t for the life of me understand why God placed her in my path. I have heard my pastor’s wife use the term Godly sandpaper before. She told me God had placed that sandpaper-person in her life to smooth out her rough edges and show her another side to his personality that she was not familiar with. It was a rough road but they are all the “smoother” for it.

Well the other day my sandpaper-person was very upset that New York City was going to let the Muslims build a “big temple.” I personally haven’t heard anything about any of this and maybe my lack of TV and news is starting to catch up with me. She was disgusted that NYC was going to allow this after “they bomb the towers and killed all those people to build this thing.” She said, “You watch, the whole country is going to be like Michigan run over by Muslims and there will be sartorial hijab everywhere. It’s so disgusting I don’t know why they are going to let them do it. They already have their Adhan from their loud speaker on top of their minarets waking everybody up at 4 am. It’s going to be so big it will be all you can see. I just can’t believe they are going to let them do it.”

Now I was going to get on my blog and rudely bash her ignorance on the whole issue and better yet I was going to rip on her for being so harsh to a people who only need love. As I was driving home I thought God is LOVE, and we are made in his image. How will they ever see that he loves them if Christians like HER are so rude and unloving of THEM as a people. SHE judges THEM and doesn’t even know them.

Man let me tell you I had a dozzie of a blog ready to annihilate her and point out all of HER faults for not loving THEM. Just as I pulled up to my humble little apartment with my holy and righteous little fingers ready to type away, I realized something. … I was HER and she was THEM, I mean they were her and she was me. Or no that could never be, I wasn’t like my sandpaper-person. She was wrong; yes the fault was HERs or was it mine. I didn’t know.

As I sat thinking John 8 came into my head. It is a common passage I know but nonetheless relevant in most Christians’ daily lives. I had been so callously judging her heart that I over looked mine. How can I condemn her for not being Christ like and loving the Muslims in America if I can’t even love a fellow Christian?

It stinks to realize that I am not only a harlot and faithless bride, but a Pharisee as well. God IS LOVE!