Baby Steps (frustrate me)

I can’t believe it has been a whole week since I blogged. And then again sooo much happened that it could very well have been a year. Lol, More from last week to come for now just a  little....

UPDATE!

I have been whining praying for discernment hard core for a while. I know God has an almighty supernatural power and could strike me like a bolt of lightning and grant be the gift of discernment with a tiny snap of his fingers. But, I think God finds greater joy in watching me suffer grow. (even if it frustrates me to no end) I am growing I guess, in tiny baby steps with lots of help from my girls. It seems lately every time I open my Bible to have a lil one on one time with the Big Man (aka Jesus…. No Grandma I am no dating a “big man” that I read the bible with. I promise I will let you know when if that happens.) Anyway, during every quiet time He (again Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit, whichever of the trinity you feel more comfortable envisioning) leads me to some scripture refereeing to the time when the Israelites have just come out of captivity from the Babylonians. Most of the time he is so happy about them being home that he is making promise after promise about how many blessings they will receive, but sometimes he gently reminds them of the tasks he had set for them before they went into captivity. Well as you can guess he is using this analogy, to parallel my newly awakened walk with him, and to teach me discernment. I am frustrated by my lack of understanding enjoying the growing process but wish I could just get it already.

Ok update over thanks for the prayers they are coming to fruition. Slowly but Surely, which is not how I like to do things but I am also learning from that. Ugh so many lessons so little time.

A Fast Prayer

Hum how to explain these past few days???Well I have some things on my heart so I sought the council of my wonderful preacher’s wife Crystal… you know the one who introduced me to the term Godly Sandpaper-Person. I talked to her about many things on my heart and how to muddle through them. She encouraged me to fast and pray. OK NBD right? I mean, the pray part thing I can handle, been doing that since I could talk. As for the fasting… well now that is a scary word. I was brought up in a very conservative church and anything beyond reading your bible and praying was considered “charismatic.” Because of this my views on matters of the spirit and hearing from the Lord have been very skewed to say the least.

In college I was introduced to the idea of fasting while I was on a leadership committee for a Christian organization. I did it at the strong urging of my fellow committee members, and not because I had heard from the Lord. So it was what I want to call baby fasting; I fasted from things like coke, sweets, TV, and my beloved car radio. Don’t get me wrong fasting from these things can be very important if God lays in on your heart my baby fasting was more referring to my attitude. I saw it as just a test of my will-power rather than a time to better encounter God and intercede for things in prayer.

This time however as soon as Crystal suggested to fast I felt a strong desire from the Lord to fast from food for two weeks. Whoa whoa whoa cool your jets don’t freak out let me explain. I didn’t feel the need to restrain from all food for all two weeks but for some reason two weeks and food were things on my heart. I went home and prayed and really felt that God wanted me to completely fast from food every other day during this time. As a teenager I had an attempt at the very unhealthy eating disorder, anorexia, which lasted all of 6hours. And that, my friends, is probably the longest I have gone in my waking life without a full meal. So these two weeks were and are going to be very trying for me.

I am now on my fifth day of the 14 day fast and day three of the food free days. Day one wasn’t so hard and I spent a lot of it reverently in prayer, every time my tummy growled I would pause and pray and then the time I would have normally spent preparing and eating my meals I spent in the word or again praying. Well on this day I also discovered that a nice big glass of chocolate milk could fill my tummy and proved an adequate amount of nutrition for the day. Thanks God, I love chocolate milk!!!! (for reals no sarcasm there I do really love it)

I found that my second of the food free days was the exact opposite of the first day. I spent it whining and complaining that I was hungry and begging God to fill my tummy rather than praying for the things on my heart. I also slept horribly that night and was grumpy the next morning because I had a crick in my neck and to top it off I over slept which meant I didn’t get to eat breakfast before I needed to be at church. The rest of Sunday was full of wonderful food and fellowship. God even blessed me by having a sweet soul pay for my lunch, they didn’t even know about the fast and what a simple but AWESOME blessing this was in my life.

Well to make a long story that is getting longer somewhat short... Despite another awful night of sleep and a horrible pain in my neck today’s fast has been much much better. I think I am finally learning how to have a good balance of prayer for God to sustain my hunger and the things on my heart. He even reveled to me a book in the bible to read. It is obvious he wants me to gain wisdom from this book because it specifically addresses, almost verbatim, things I have been praying for.

Now all I need is discernment to understand what it is he is trying to tell me through the passages. So if you have the time lift up a "fast prayer" (hehe I am so funny) about my fast and specifically pray for discernment. I need it now more than ever, or well maybe I needed it on Sunday before laughing out loud in church when no one else did and the whole congregation turned and looked at me, but nonetheless I need it now too!

Residual Pizza

I thought and though and thought what to write this next blog about. I truly don’t want this to become a place where I get fulfilled by just slapping words down and making people laugh. This blog was a gift given to me and I often have to re-read my “About this Blog.” Over there… see it just to the right. To remind myself it was intended to be a celebration of the blessings God has placed in my life. Lately I have noticed that my blogs are more of and edifying process of my daily shortcomings than his blessings in my life. (Well, I guess they go hand in hand) He always seems to turn my faults in to blessings, when I am following him, that is.

I had the most wonderful evening with my friends, eating pizza and watching a movie, which I probably should have thought twice before suggesting. Isn’t it interesting how our minds only remember the good parts of movies and totally forget the ten minuet montage of inappropriateness we shouldn’t be subjecting ourselves or our friends to? Lucky it was just us girls this time, and we could giggle and cover our eyes, in a very mature fashion I might add.

Throughout the evening I just kept thinking to myself “where’s the story in this wonderfulness of fellowship? I want to share this on my blog but what can I say?” And just in case you were wondering, thinking to “myself” actually means repeating it out loud several times to my friends and taking their suggestions, Hence the blog title Residual Pizza. So basically I wasn’t thinking to myself at all. LOL I was so busy trying to see the lesson I was suppose to learn or how to put this feeling into words, that it never occurred to me at all that these beautiful moments with my wonderful friends are the lesson, it is the blessing.

No crazy shortcoming, unless you count my lack of discernment on choice of movie, no obvious in your face life lesson to learn from this one. It is merely God, in his desire to delight in us placed wonderful friends in each other’s path. And it is so divinely brilliant how individual and unique we are and how we fit so well together at the same time. It is obvious that this is what God wants for all of us for this season in our lives. It seems that we are all at the beginning of a new chapter and while each woman’s process is different, they are so similar that we edify and lift up one another with great encouragement.

We can go from hysterically laughing to great Godly discussion in moments. We have all laughed and cried together and often don’t want to leave each other’s company until it is absolutely necessary that we leave as to not fall asleep on the drive home. Through these intense times of storytelling and life sharing we not only eat obtuse amounts of humus and bread and encounter “residual Pizza” from time to time but we are creating Residual friendships as well. And what a blessing they are. I love you ladies and thank my God often every time I remember you. Philippians 1:3

Waiting at Sugar Browns

As most of you know I am waiting patiently on the Lord. Waiting for many things, but for this blog let’s just narrow it down to my future husband. I know that we are always a work in progress as evidence by Philippians 1:6. So I will never stop learning and growing or be complete until Jesus comes back for us all. All that being said, if there is one thing I am sure of, it is that I have many things to work through before I am ready for my husband. So I wait, I mean God’s timing is not my own and who’s to say God won’t plop him down in front of me before I am ready. Hmmmm???? Naaaa he wouldn’t do that.

Anyway, I went to my favorite local coffee shop, Sugar Browns. OK ok ok I know I know. I don’t like coffee and for years may have even ragged (in a friendly manor) on some of you for going to coffee shops maybe even specifically going to Sugar Browns. I am sorry, and was wrong. So mark it in your calendars because I don’t say that too often. I enjoy it now because I don’t have TV or internet at my little apartment so I just go to Sugar Browns and drink a hot Chai or Steamed milk. You can call me a granola if you want, but I have yet to buy any Chacos or climb a mountain.

So anyway I am at Sugar Browns and I am reading Galatians because of a little bit of persecution I am getting from someone who believes in a false gospel (that’s another story). As stated before I am in a constant state of waiting, it isn’t always on my mind and wasn’t this particular evening…Until… a fairly attractive guy in his upper 20’s reading The Biography of William Carey sat in a chair next to me. Hummm. Maybe God’s timing IS a good thing. Hint hint God…. Attractive guy reading a biography on the father of missions; your timing could be wonderful right now!!!! Lol

I ignored this guy as best I could and continued reading and studying, I was being very successful and actually learning from my bible study. But then I got up to get a glass of water and he introduced himself. Alright, I thought, here we go God’s timing! He asked me what I was reading. When I explained to him what I was reading and why, he offered a bit of encouragement toward my persecution situation.~ Sigh~ What a nice guy. And then I thought maybe I should invite him to church; you know, give God’s timing a little nudge. So I asked him if he had a church here in Lubbock. He reviled that he was currently on staff at First Baptist Lbk. I said "Oh, ok, well if you didn’t I was going to invite you to mine." He smiled, and was beginning to open his mouth to speak. This is the moment where all attempts to guard my heart flew out the window. I thought here it is, yay! He is going to ask if I want to have coffee with him sometime or something like that. It will be perfect!

That’s when it happened. He asked if I was a Tech student and if I would like to attend this bible study they have. He didn’t know if I had heard of it yet. It was….(drum roll please) PARADIGM. ... Doh!... My poor little heart hit the floor. That’s when I realized that I was sitting there in a tattered Twilight T-shirt with my hair arranged in such a way that I looked 12.  LOL hahahahaha. This guy, this poor sweet guy, thought I was a college freshman and just wanted to let me know about his church’s college ministry. UGH hahaha. I giggled and told him I had attended and enjoyed Paradigm as a college student and asked if John Randles still spoke there. He got a surprised look on his face and said that John had left the year before he was on staff there and that was five years ago. I smiled and said yeah that was forever ago. Both of us being a little embarrassed conceded to continue our reading and I went back to my constant state of waiting .

You know what I think? (scratch that) Do you know what I know? God’s timing is perfect. I mean that was the perfect humors little situation I needed to know A) there are still Godly single men out there B) God is still thinking of me, because he did use this guy to encourage me about the persecution situation I am facing, and C) I am still NOT ready so I need to better guard my heart as I wait in eager anticipation of the moment that I meet my future husband.

Discernment my lack there of

Discernment. Noun: the ability to judge well.


I could fill an entire blog about my lack of discernment. The hilarious stories that have come from my lack of better judgment number more than the stars. Some people say that God wanted to laugh so he created a zebra; I say God wanted a laugh so he created me without an ounce of discernment.

I have this incredible knack for putting my foot in my mouth at just the wrong time and making everything awkward, laughing at the wrong moment, saying the most ridiculous off the wall statement, falling down, or walking into a situation that is full of tension and pointing out the elephant in the room. It has caused a great deal of embarrassment but I have grown resilient to the effects of humors attention.

When I was a child this recklessness caused me many time outs and more than a few stern talks, I even ruined several surprise parties and in my excitement blurted out what was in gifts before they were opened. I spoiled more than one child’s belief in Santa and the Easter bunny and was that kid that told my parent friends what they really said about them behind closed doors. As a teenager it was all chalked up to my “awkward” stage and rumours even flew that I did these thing for attention or just because I was “weird.” I was thought of as a snitch though I never once told on purpose. In college it seemed to my advantage. I was the quirky endearing small town girl. My inability to discern who was and was not a good person to share details I had obtained in confidence quickly grew my popularity. I seemed sweet and gentle hearted and everybody would share their business with me. And better yet they knew they could get me to share somebody else’s business with them. This lack of judgment was beginning to break hearts and ruin friendships.

As I am now a woman in the world and all on my own; my discernment issues are now hurting more than my social life. I have long learned to keep other’s hearts protected and guard the parts of them they share with me (aka I keep my mouth shut about what my friends tell me), and I still have my quirky sweet hearted awkward moments that define me as a person. I suppose these attributes are endearing (at least I hope so), but my inability to know what to share and how much of myself to revel to others has caused me great heartache in recent years. I trust people, I never think before I speak of my heart and will pour my guts out to anyone whom asks. This isn’t safe and I have had to learn that the hard way. I also struggle with knowing what to say to my friends to comfort them. I am yet able to discern what it is they need from me. I usually try to think of something I have learned in my past to help them but often find I dominate the conversation and open more wounds for them rather than help mend the ones they had in the first place. I don’t do these things on purpose; it is like there is something in me that just won’t shut up when it needs to. If you are my friend you know what I am talking about. Ugh lol and if you’re not my friend you can just ask and I’ll probably tell you everything I shouldn’t, it’s just my nature.

Needless to say the time to acquired great discernment is long long overdue. 1 Corinthians 13:11 comes to mind. “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” It is time and I pray that God gives me discernment and I only hope it’s not like when you pray for patience. But I fear it will be. So wish me luck I’ll need it!!!!

Sandpaper-Person

God is love. God IS love. God is LOVE. Sometimes I have to remind myself.

I sat down here to rant and rave about someone in my life that I must be around often. This person and I, are for a lack of better terms Godly sandpaper. You see she rubs me the wrong way. And I can’t for the life of me understand why God placed her in my path. I have heard my pastor’s wife use the term Godly sandpaper before. She told me God had placed that sandpaper-person in her life to smooth out her rough edges and show her another side to his personality that she was not familiar with. It was a rough road but they are all the “smoother” for it.

Well the other day my sandpaper-person was very upset that New York City was going to let the Muslims build a “big temple.” I personally haven’t heard anything about any of this and maybe my lack of TV and news is starting to catch up with me. She was disgusted that NYC was going to allow this after “they bomb the towers and killed all those people to build this thing.” She said, “You watch, the whole country is going to be like Michigan run over by Muslims and there will be sartorial hijab everywhere. It’s so disgusting I don’t know why they are going to let them do it. They already have their Adhan from their loud speaker on top of their minarets waking everybody up at 4 am. It’s going to be so big it will be all you can see. I just can’t believe they are going to let them do it.”

Now I was going to get on my blog and rudely bash her ignorance on the whole issue and better yet I was going to rip on her for being so harsh to a people who only need love. As I was driving home I thought God is LOVE, and we are made in his image. How will they ever see that he loves them if Christians like HER are so rude and unloving of THEM as a people. SHE judges THEM and doesn’t even know them.

Man let me tell you I had a dozzie of a blog ready to annihilate her and point out all of HER faults for not loving THEM. Just as I pulled up to my humble little apartment with my holy and righteous little fingers ready to type away, I realized something. … I was HER and she was THEM, I mean they were her and she was me. Or no that could never be, I wasn’t like my sandpaper-person. She was wrong; yes the fault was HERs or was it mine. I didn’t know.

As I sat thinking John 8 came into my head. It is a common passage I know but nonetheless relevant in most Christians’ daily lives. I had been so callously judging her heart that I over looked mine. How can I condemn her for not being Christ like and loving the Muslims in America if I can’t even love a fellow Christian?

It stinks to realize that I am not only a harlot and faithless bride, but a Pharisee as well. God IS LOVE!

The Church's Chicken and a Tank of Gas.

Well if you read my first blog you know that I had been praying for an outlet for creativity. That’s not entirely true. I have been praying for that and a lot more!!! I haven’t been feeling satisfied in my daily life. I was praying that God would supply me a way to be creative, serve those in need, continue my education, and see the world. I wanted all these things and wasn’t sure how God was going to provide them.

Lo and behold, this blog came along and my creativity was satisfied. It wasn’t at all what I had in mind but here it is. Well I am fairly certain God answered another prayer yesterday. A way to serve those in need and believe me it was definitely not what I had in mind at all.

Tuesday at lunch a new way to tangibly serve others in my community was placed at my feet. I took my lunch break a little early because I had to go downtown and pay for a speeding ticket I got last month. As if you can’t tell I am always in a bit of a hurry and want to do things my own way as opposed to the way that is best for me and just in case I wasn’t sure which way is best I got another ticket today, ugh.

Anyway I left the municipal court and headed to my house to have a turkey sandwich because I am a little bit broke and saving money. As I drove past the Lubbock Mahon Library I remembered that I had a late charge and thought I should stop while it was on my mind. When I slowed down I noticed a man standing by the door with a dirty backpack and ragged clothes. The Lord told me he was hungry and I needed to get him lunch.

What? Not me.I can’t walk up to a stranger and give him food he’ll think I poisoned it. Still the small voice came He is hungry and he wants chicken. Chicken? But God I am on a budget I don’t even eat out, I go home and eat PB and Js and turkey sandwiches. Why should I spend my money on his chicken when I get cold wal-mart brand lunches. Chicken, Robynn, get him some chicken. But God I only have $20 left until my next pay check what am I going to do for gas? There is a Church's Chicken around the corner, Robynn, get him chicken. Ok ok Lord I’ll get him chicken then I wont have money for gas then I’ll lose my job and it will be all your fault and then I’ll be the one with the dirty backpack and ragged clothes. And then I’ll get you chicken.

As I drove up to the window I felt silly I didn’t know what to buy. So I just ordered a number 5: chicken sandwich, fries and a coke. When I pulled around they told me $3.25. Ok, $3.25 that wasn’t too bad. As I opened my wallet I was surprised to see that I had exactly $33.25. I was sure all that was in there was a twenty. And I never keep change I always drop it in the tip box. Wow that was weird.

I drove myself (and the chicken) back to the library and asked the man standing by the door if he would like some lunch. He smiled very largely and said, “ Oh thank you thank you Miss., Lord knows I didn’t have money to buy this.” I thought to myself yes you are right, he did know, and from now on I shouldn’t be such a chicken.

I went into the library to pay my fine and remembered that I can rent movies or free from the library. Why not? As I was checking out I almost laughed at the thought that it cost me just as much to buy that hungry man’s lunch as it would have cost me to rent a movie. As I drove home feeling wonderful, on my giver’s high I thought I could do this. I could totally rent movies for free and take that money that I would have spent and give a hungry person dinner or lucnh or what ever food, even chicken. This is it this was my answer a way to serve those in need.

As if that gift of an answered prayer, and the joy I'd recieved from giving wasn’t enough the story isn’t over yet. When I got home and opened my mail there was a check in there. Apparently my work had sent a check to me back in July that went to my old address. When I opened it, it was worth nearly 20 times what I had spent on that hungry man's chicken, and with this new check I could fill up my car with a tank of gas.

A New Harvest, yes with coffee mugs.

Well I officially joined Harvest Christian Fellowship last night, a church in my home town of Lubbock, Texas. I have been attending this church for a little over 7 weeks and have been graciously accepted by all the members I have met.

I came to this church completely broken with a hard heart, a bad attitude, and very guarded mind to the authenticity my friend claimed they possess. They also have a little bit of a reputation in town for being “radical” whatever that really means. And honestly I was looking for any excuse to write off the church body as a whole not just this “radical” church, but the whole church as the body of Christ. So without them knowing I had placed my bar of judgment very very high fully expecting them to fail and awaiting the day I could yell out to God, “SEE I TOLD YOU. NO ONE REALLY CARES.”

I walked in with all my knowledge and my right ways of thinking just waiting for the times I could claim heresy or blasphemy, or even condemn the ways they worshiped, gathered tithe or took communion. I waited and waited like a vulture ready for its pray. But those moments never came and just when I thought they might; truth would fall and hit me like a ton of bricks and I would realize I was the one who had been wrong.

My heart was slowly softened by these sweet kind people and the truth they kept placing at my feet just waiting for me to pick it up and own it. Even down to the day I joined the church my heart was hardened to let them in fully. My plan of demise was failing and I was grasping at straws.

I resorted to criticizing the tiniest of little things (the only ammo I had left.) I was just sure God didn’t want me in this church due to the fact that they give coffee cups to guests on their first Sunday. Where I in my ivory tower felt that money spent on this tiny little gift should go to Missions or the poor or some grand need I deemed worthy. Pfft what a fool I was. Didn't I love my own mug, didn't it make me feel special on my first Sunday to receive a free gift. HELLO! ROBYNN, wake up there are as many different ways to reach people as there are people to reach.

I had planned to attend the Membership class. I was sure this was to be my moment, sure that in their doctrine there would be a big red flag I could seize and wave as I claimed my victory. I would wave that flag and prove to God this was not the place for me. I signed up online weeks ago and placed it in my Outlook calendar, color coded by the way, navy blue, August 8th precisely my day of conquest.

Well as you can guess much to my surprise when I attended Church on August 1st there it was in the bulletin and announced loud and clear by the assistant pastor. Membership Class tonight. WHAT? But I wasn’t prepared; I hadn’t searched the scripture for just the right bible darts I needed to bring down God’s plan. I even had a lengthy discussion that afternoon with my friend, whom had invited me to attend this church, about those evil coffee mugs. I was sure to convince her my ammo was enough. Right? She, in her humbleness, listened to my silly cry of desperation and validated my right to have fears but encouraged me to attend the class anyway.

Oh I was going to go alright, I wasn’t going to miss this. Just you wait, I thought, I’ll go and hate it and I’ll be right! But as I thought that I immediately became sad. Is this what I wanted? I had come to enjoy this church and its coffee mugs. I loved my small group and how they picked me up from the dirt and brushed me off even when I refused to do so myself. I loved that this church was “radical” which apparently in Lubbock gossip lingo means alive. So what if it wasn’t the church that I thought I originally wanted, couldn’t I for once in my life trust that God knew what I needed more than I did?

I walked through the doors that evening nervous that my evil plot would be written all over my face. That I would be picked out from the crown easily as if I had a bright red A sewn onto the front of my clothes. And you know what I think maybe, just maybe my plot was seen. Perhaps my arrogance and hard heart had paved my way and my secret plot was not so secret at all. But you know what? The Pastors were still gentle and caring toward me even despite all the walls and ammo I had placed between us. They spoke the truth about the church and it’s beliefs and weren’t afraid that I would find my sought after flag of victory. They didn’t tell me this is where God wanted me and they didn’t tell me I wrong for testing them so harshly. They simple spoke truth and waited for me to make my own decision.

All in all God was right and always had been, no, Harvest Christian Fellowship is not perfect, but no church is. We are the church and for all our trying we are still Christ’s faithless bride. I am proud of my decision and fully believe this is where God wants me for this season of my life.

A Simple Gift

I don’t really know where to start. Most of the time the answer is that you must start at the beginning, but I don’t think that is the case in this instance. Honestly I don’t think I am ready to start at the beginning just yet.

Ha; actually not being ready yet has been a catch phrase of mine for the past few weeks.

I have been praying for a while, that God would give me an area where I can be creative; do something I find fulfilling. I have also been struggling with letting God love me and I need a time for reflection on all the things He has given me. I feel like God has put this here for me as an outlet for both. A way to document the little things I notice and his wooing that I tend to over look. This blog in and of itself is a gift to me and answered pray of sorts.

So that is why I felt that I needed to confess that I have already taken this gift he has given me and placed a not so humble expectation on it. (It is quite a ridiculous and far fetching sinful expectation)

You see; I secretly hope that this blog would be an inspiration to others (not just others but millions) and create some mind blowing life change in all who read it. And not only that but I wish it would spread like wild fire and become some new profound way to reach others like Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz. Hahahaha, oh how I can take simple God given gifts and set myself up for giant heart breaks by twisting their original purpose.

Post number one and I already need to repent. I do pray that this endeavor is blessed and that with each post I can document a little bit more of how my love story with the Lord unfolds. But moreover I pray that I may find fulfillment and joy form this even if I am the only soul that ever reads it.