Hindsight to Insight

Happy Birthday Blog!!! Yep it’s been a year. Isn’t that nuts? I can’t believe how much has changed in one year, and then again, some things have stayed the same as well. There were many blessings and tough times; I worked through a lot of hurts and insecurities. And a few of them I am still walking through.
As this year comes full circle, I feel a lot of doors on my life closing and I am finally beginning to see a tiny glimmer of light creeping out from behind a door that I have been praying would open. As I think about the steps that God has taken to get me here, this past year is beginning to make sense.

First I had to hit ROCK bottom, never a fun thing to do, and honestly, 100% avoidable. Then God had to break through all of my thick defenses and astound me with his mercy. (That was my favorite part) As I think back on that part of the year, the best way I can describe it to you, is that it felt like a porch on a cool crisp morning, sitting wrapped in a warm fluffy blanket with a cup of hazelnut coffee and piece of whole wheat toast with melting cinnamon butter. MMMMM

The next chapter was exciting at first with a little bit of a sting. I’ve had a heart for the nations for a long time and wanted to serve the lord to reach the lost people groups of the world, but wasn’t sure what that looked like. Then an old acquaintance showed up in my life and talked about a wonderful year long global mission trip he would attend. It sparked a fire in me again and I was sure this meant I needed to drop everything in my life and GO right then. I became so excited and my spirit bubbled like a shaken up coke can. Then as I began to pray a familiar thing happened in my life…. God said wait. Ooo Sting!

But he quickly reviled why I needed to wait. Finances - ugh. I know that at any moment God can snap his fingers and provide a million dollars for me to jet around the world in his name but that wouldn’t teach me much about his character and who he is. And it certainly would teach me his view on glory and riches. I had been dealing very unjustly with the little money that God was intrusting to me and had been doing so since I was old enough to say “charge it.” He then brought people in my life with a passion to help me correct this and I began serving God with his money as opposed to giving it to mammon. I still have a ways to go but since then have paid of most of my consumer debt and get excited every time I get to pay off a bill!!!! The Texan in my wants to scream YEEEEHAWWW!!!!

Then God brought up relationships, never a fun insecurity to tackle, especially when I have never had a healthy one ever! He laid many types of relationships on my heart all at once and this made for a stressful and depressing time for me. They all hit me at the same time: parents, friends, cousins, coworkers, mentors, roommates, husband (or lack thereof.) I love people and being around them but for some reason I had a horrible self destructive way of showing it. I chose to ignore God and continue to try to work on this my own way. Then the horrible earthquake and Tsunami hit Japan and it was as if those aftershocks made it around the world and hit my heart.

That was in March and when I began listening to God’s plan for my relationships. Now during those 4 months I had mini ups and downs trying to do it on my own or distract myself. I felt alone and it got kind of nasty there for a bit when I let my circumstances take the place of God’s promises. But when I relied on God and listened to him, together we tackled most of the relationships I mentioned above. I have really come to terms with them and hit a mini breakthrough last night in my quiet time. What peace.

Proverbs 9:6 “Leave your simple ways and live and walk in the ways of insight.”

What’s next for me and what will this next year look like? I have no idea. Like I mentioned before I see a tiny light on the horizon but am not sure what it is yet. Insight tells me to have hopes and dreams but no expectations. When you hope for something you are surprised and blessed when it happens when you expect it you aren’t grateful when it comes and hurt if it doesn’t. So here’s to hope for a joyous next year!!!

Just for fun!!!

Eluded

A lot in my life has eluded me lately. For example: I was very excited about the new Harry Potter movie. (Because I am a nerd. And for those of you who are against Harry Potter because of its witchcraft I am sorry if my enjoyment of fantasy offends you, it is not my intention to offend) (I digress)


Anyway, I got midnight showing tickets and waited in line for over 4 hours to get decent seats, paid way too much for a giant coke, and tried to ignore the 17 year old next to me dropping the F-bombs every 20 seconds. I am a huge fan of the books and the whole movie franchise has been, ehh. It has been nice to get to see my favorite characters in Live Action…. LOL that reminds me.

My friend Libby was talking about a park she discovered by her house and how wonderful it is. She stated that it was an unofficial dog park and they occasionally had concerts there. Then she said, “Sometimes they even put on these medieval shows or something cause people are always dressed up.” I almost peed my pants with laughter. I had to explain what LARP (Live Action Role Play) was. Hahahaha I told her they would let her join if she just asked lol. And no I have never participated in LARP for those of you who are wondering. (I am just a baby nerd with isolated nerd tendencies not full blown nerd regalia)  Need more LARP info? Watch the below out-of-state news cast.



Ok back to my Harry Potter a much less nerdy hobby. The point was/is that in the end I was left eluded as to why so many wonderful things were left out and why I had expected anything more considering the massive amounts they have left out of the previous movies.

More importantly, God has eluded me, or well his plan in my life has. I have been praying for three or four big things in my life lately. These things have taken up my quiet times and I still cannot discern what the Lord wants me to do. These things are very important to me and I know that we have free will and a choice but I also know that God always has a best in mind. I want his best but for some reason I cannot decipher what exactly that is. People keep telling me to keep praying, never give up, and eventually the answers will come.

That’s all great and wonderful but in some cases “eventually” is not fast enough for me. Actually most of the time eventually is not sufficient for me. I know that waiting on the Lord produces blessings but must I wait even for an answer? I mean I’m not asking for magical results just an answer as to how I should react in a few specific but very important situations.

I want God’s best but right now, it eludes me.

The Waiting Game.

If there ever was such a board game called “The Waiting Game” I’d be a pro at it by now. Well…. I take it back. I might not be a pro, because I’ve received my fair share of penalties, but I would be well experienced to say the least. There are so many weddings for me to attend this summer and as a single person it’s like running a triathlon. From dresses to buy and showers to attend to RSVP cards with no plus one; it’s a constant battle to not get discouraged.

There are so many times in the Bible that God talks about blessings for those who wait on the Lord. The most recent time this biblical encouragement came to my door step was yesterday.
In Psalm 31: 23-24 it states. “Love the Lord, all you his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful and abundantly repays the one who acts in pride. Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.”

Well here I am taking courage. I am finding strength and hope in the promise of God.

As I look back on my “dating adventures” I am grateful for where I am now. Waiting…. It is such a freeing word. The world calls this time in my life single and sees it as a license to date around and find out what’s out there. I realize that everyone’s convictions and ideals are different but God has really shown me the path he has chosen for me to take during this time. I am single, yes, but more than that I am waiting.

Waiting, just as the Israelites waited for the coming Messiah. Comparing their waiting game to mine reveals loads of similarities; there were moments of hope and moments of despair. At times it seemed that God had forgotten them and left them for slavery in Egypt. After being delivred from Egypt, each profit brought them new sparks of hope. At times they went through hardships, some of them were lead astray by their own desires, and some even chose to follow foreign idols only to realize later these idols were not their redeemer.

But the part of the Israelites story that I find most hope in is the coming of Jesus, their long awaited Messiah. He wasn’t what they expected at all and it took them a while to realize who was in their midst. He loved them with a passion they didn’t deserve, lead them in a way they hadn’t anticipate, protected them from things they couldn’t see, and provided them with things they couldn’t even dream of.

So I am proud to be waiting. I don’t want to me lead astray, by giving tiny parts of my heart away, or date loads of guys to find the right one. I want to wait for the one who will be something I didn’t expect, deserve, or anticipate. I want the one God has planned for me, the one who will pursue me because it’s what God wants him to do, not just what’s convenient. So in this waiting game there really is only one way for me to win, and I plan on winning.

Waiting at Sugar Browns

As most of you know I am waiting patiently on the Lord. Waiting for many things, but for this blog let’s just narrow it down to my future husband. I know that we are always a work in progress as evidence by Philippians 1:6. So I will never stop learning and growing or be complete until Jesus comes back for us all. All that being said, if there is one thing I am sure of, it is that I have many things to work through before I am ready for my husband. So I wait, I mean God’s timing is not my own and who’s to say God won’t plop him down in front of me before I am ready. Hmmmm???? Naaaa he wouldn’t do that.

Anyway, I went to my favorite local coffee shop, Sugar Browns. OK ok ok I know I know. I don’t like coffee and for years may have even ragged (in a friendly manor) on some of you for going to coffee shops maybe even specifically going to Sugar Browns. I am sorry, and was wrong. So mark it in your calendars because I don’t say that too often. I enjoy it now because I don’t have TV or internet at my little apartment so I just go to Sugar Browns and drink a hot Chai or Steamed milk. You can call me a granola if you want, but I have yet to buy any Chacos or climb a mountain.

So anyway I am at Sugar Browns and I am reading Galatians because of a little bit of persecution I am getting from someone who believes in a false gospel (that’s another story). As stated before I am in a constant state of waiting, it isn’t always on my mind and wasn’t this particular evening…Until… a fairly attractive guy in his upper 20’s reading The Biography of William Carey sat in a chair next to me. Hummm. Maybe God’s timing IS a good thing. Hint hint God…. Attractive guy reading a biography on the father of missions; your timing could be wonderful right now!!!! Lol

I ignored this guy as best I could and continued reading and studying, I was being very successful and actually learning from my bible study. But then I got up to get a glass of water and he introduced himself. Alright, I thought, here we go God’s timing! He asked me what I was reading. When I explained to him what I was reading and why, he offered a bit of encouragement toward my persecution situation.~ Sigh~ What a nice guy. And then I thought maybe I should invite him to church; you know, give God’s timing a little nudge. So I asked him if he had a church here in Lubbock. He reviled that he was currently on staff at First Baptist Lbk. I said "Oh, ok, well if you didn’t I was going to invite you to mine." He smiled, and was beginning to open his mouth to speak. This is the moment where all attempts to guard my heart flew out the window. I thought here it is, yay! He is going to ask if I want to have coffee with him sometime or something like that. It will be perfect!

That’s when it happened. He asked if I was a Tech student and if I would like to attend this bible study they have. He didn’t know if I had heard of it yet. It was….(drum roll please) PARADIGM. ... Doh!... My poor little heart hit the floor. That’s when I realized that I was sitting there in a tattered Twilight T-shirt with my hair arranged in such a way that I looked 12.  LOL hahahahaha. This guy, this poor sweet guy, thought I was a college freshman and just wanted to let me know about his church’s college ministry. UGH hahaha. I giggled and told him I had attended and enjoyed Paradigm as a college student and asked if John Randles still spoke there. He got a surprised look on his face and said that John had left the year before he was on staff there and that was five years ago. I smiled and said yeah that was forever ago. Both of us being a little embarrassed conceded to continue our reading and I went back to my constant state of waiting .

You know what I think? (scratch that) Do you know what I know? God’s timing is perfect. I mean that was the perfect humors little situation I needed to know A) there are still Godly single men out there B) God is still thinking of me, because he did use this guy to encourage me about the persecution situation I am facing, and C) I am still NOT ready so I need to better guard my heart as I wait in eager anticipation of the moment that I meet my future husband.