Hindsight to Insight

Happy Birthday Blog!!! Yep it’s been a year. Isn’t that nuts? I can’t believe how much has changed in one year, and then again, some things have stayed the same as well. There were many blessings and tough times; I worked through a lot of hurts and insecurities. And a few of them I am still walking through.
As this year comes full circle, I feel a lot of doors on my life closing and I am finally beginning to see a tiny glimmer of light creeping out from behind a door that I have been praying would open. As I think about the steps that God has taken to get me here, this past year is beginning to make sense.

First I had to hit ROCK bottom, never a fun thing to do, and honestly, 100% avoidable. Then God had to break through all of my thick defenses and astound me with his mercy. (That was my favorite part) As I think back on that part of the year, the best way I can describe it to you, is that it felt like a porch on a cool crisp morning, sitting wrapped in a warm fluffy blanket with a cup of hazelnut coffee and piece of whole wheat toast with melting cinnamon butter. MMMMM

The next chapter was exciting at first with a little bit of a sting. I’ve had a heart for the nations for a long time and wanted to serve the lord to reach the lost people groups of the world, but wasn’t sure what that looked like. Then an old acquaintance showed up in my life and talked about a wonderful year long global mission trip he would attend. It sparked a fire in me again and I was sure this meant I needed to drop everything in my life and GO right then. I became so excited and my spirit bubbled like a shaken up coke can. Then as I began to pray a familiar thing happened in my life…. God said wait. Ooo Sting!

But he quickly reviled why I needed to wait. Finances - ugh. I know that at any moment God can snap his fingers and provide a million dollars for me to jet around the world in his name but that wouldn’t teach me much about his character and who he is. And it certainly would teach me his view on glory and riches. I had been dealing very unjustly with the little money that God was intrusting to me and had been doing so since I was old enough to say “charge it.” He then brought people in my life with a passion to help me correct this and I began serving God with his money as opposed to giving it to mammon. I still have a ways to go but since then have paid of most of my consumer debt and get excited every time I get to pay off a bill!!!! The Texan in my wants to scream YEEEEHAWWW!!!!

Then God brought up relationships, never a fun insecurity to tackle, especially when I have never had a healthy one ever! He laid many types of relationships on my heart all at once and this made for a stressful and depressing time for me. They all hit me at the same time: parents, friends, cousins, coworkers, mentors, roommates, husband (or lack thereof.) I love people and being around them but for some reason I had a horrible self destructive way of showing it. I chose to ignore God and continue to try to work on this my own way. Then the horrible earthquake and Tsunami hit Japan and it was as if those aftershocks made it around the world and hit my heart.

That was in March and when I began listening to God’s plan for my relationships. Now during those 4 months I had mini ups and downs trying to do it on my own or distract myself. I felt alone and it got kind of nasty there for a bit when I let my circumstances take the place of God’s promises. But when I relied on God and listened to him, together we tackled most of the relationships I mentioned above. I have really come to terms with them and hit a mini breakthrough last night in my quiet time. What peace.

Proverbs 9:6 “Leave your simple ways and live and walk in the ways of insight.”

What’s next for me and what will this next year look like? I have no idea. Like I mentioned before I see a tiny light on the horizon but am not sure what it is yet. Insight tells me to have hopes and dreams but no expectations. When you hope for something you are surprised and blessed when it happens when you expect it you aren’t grateful when it comes and hurt if it doesn’t. So here’s to hope for a joyous next year!!!

Just for fun!!!