Love Lost to Pain,

There are people in my life I love very very much. You read me right, PEOPLE. That means it is a plural. I LOVE more than one person and each one I love differently. So why then does it hurt me so bad to see that people who once dotted on me, showed their love to me with verbal affirmation, help me grow and trusted me have begun to give these things to others. Why do I feel replaced and forgotten?

I suppose this feeling is jealousy. But honestly my whole life I thought of jealousy as an angry vengeful emotion. You see it portrayed in cartoons as a character who sees something they want, so they plot to get it; they often become frustrated and turn green with envy and have smoke pouring out of their ears.

But that is not how I feel. What I feel is a searing pain; rejection, inadequacy, betrayal, loss, remorse. Just when I think the pain is reaching a calloused sate and I can leave those relationships in the past; full of warm fuzzy happy memories. I hear something or see something that brings that pain back again. Just when I feel that I need to “pull up my big-girl britches” and make the first step to patch these lost relationships, fear gets in the way. I become afraid to be completely rejected. I choose to sit in the pain and sulk rather than make attempts to rekindle what I have lost; because at least the pain is there.

I realize that this makes no sense whatsoever. But it is too hard to tell my heart the truth. I know in my head that the relationship is already damaged and if it cannot be fixed then at least I can start to grieve over the totality of the loss, but my heart won’t let me accept that. Instead, in its attempts to protect its calloused parts, my heart doesn’t want to reopen those wounds, take responsibility for my part in the brokenness and accept the outcome of the vulnerability. I don’t actually think there would be total rejection from my loved ones but there is always that possibility, so I wait stubbornly for them to make the first move. Every day that passes makes it harder and harder to repair.

So perhaps this pain is not just jealousy but pride as well. And again I thought of pride as a dirty evil feeling that only lashed out at others. But here these two emotions wrapped into one have beaten me up and left me trembling in the corner like a whipped dog. And perhaps the other halves of these relationships feel the same way, perhaps not, but my pride won’t let me find out.

I know that all of these feelings are due to the fact that I find my acceptance and fulfillment from others, even others it should feel safe to find acceptance in like family and friends. But the truth is that no one can make me feel worthy, loved, adored, accepted or whole but God. But because of all of life experiences and every relationship big or small letting me down in some way, the human way, it’s hard to break down those walls and let someone fulfill me. Even if that someone is the ever present, all powerful, just, loving, father of all. But this all comes down to trust and faith, which is a daily struggle for me.

I know as soon as I find my true fulfillment in Him it will be easy to get over my pride and jealousy and attempt to reconnect to those I have lost along the way. I will no longer blame others for this pain but rather hand it over to the only one who can take it away. I will not fear rejection because even if I were rejected I could find acceptance in Him. I will not be trembling in the corner because God could take on that burden. I am not saying that God magically makes you happy and have no pain or fears (he could do that but it isn’t how he usually works.) What he does to is make the weight bearable because he will never leave you or forsake you, never let you down, and will take on your burdens for he already bore them on the cross.