Sleeping Stevie

This is me and my sister Stevie at our brother's wedding last year. I love her very much. She is currently still in High School even though people often mistake her for my younger sister I am almost 10 years older than her. She will be going to Tech soon and I can't wait to have her closer to me so we can grab lunch or dinner sometimes. Miss ya girl!!!!

This is a wonderful little christmas morninig when I wanted her to wake up......

Basically I just wanted to learn how to edit, upload, then post a video. Working with the one video I had and the sample videos they gave me on my computer this is what i got. Hope you enjoyed it.

Sleeping Stevie from Robynn Oglesby on Vimeo.

Love Lost to Pain,

There are people in my life I love very very much. You read me right, PEOPLE. That means it is a plural. I LOVE more than one person and each one I love differently. So why then does it hurt me so bad to see that people who once dotted on me, showed their love to me with verbal affirmation, help me grow and trusted me have begun to give these things to others. Why do I feel replaced and forgotten?

I suppose this feeling is jealousy. But honestly my whole life I thought of jealousy as an angry vengeful emotion. You see it portrayed in cartoons as a character who sees something they want, so they plot to get it; they often become frustrated and turn green with envy and have smoke pouring out of their ears.

But that is not how I feel. What I feel is a searing pain; rejection, inadequacy, betrayal, loss, remorse. Just when I think the pain is reaching a calloused sate and I can leave those relationships in the past; full of warm fuzzy happy memories. I hear something or see something that brings that pain back again. Just when I feel that I need to “pull up my big-girl britches” and make the first step to patch these lost relationships, fear gets in the way. I become afraid to be completely rejected. I choose to sit in the pain and sulk rather than make attempts to rekindle what I have lost; because at least the pain is there.

I realize that this makes no sense whatsoever. But it is too hard to tell my heart the truth. I know in my head that the relationship is already damaged and if it cannot be fixed then at least I can start to grieve over the totality of the loss, but my heart won’t let me accept that. Instead, in its attempts to protect its calloused parts, my heart doesn’t want to reopen those wounds, take responsibility for my part in the brokenness and accept the outcome of the vulnerability. I don’t actually think there would be total rejection from my loved ones but there is always that possibility, so I wait stubbornly for them to make the first move. Every day that passes makes it harder and harder to repair.

So perhaps this pain is not just jealousy but pride as well. And again I thought of pride as a dirty evil feeling that only lashed out at others. But here these two emotions wrapped into one have beaten me up and left me trembling in the corner like a whipped dog. And perhaps the other halves of these relationships feel the same way, perhaps not, but my pride won’t let me find out.

I know that all of these feelings are due to the fact that I find my acceptance and fulfillment from others, even others it should feel safe to find acceptance in like family and friends. But the truth is that no one can make me feel worthy, loved, adored, accepted or whole but God. But because of all of life experiences and every relationship big or small letting me down in some way, the human way, it’s hard to break down those walls and let someone fulfill me. Even if that someone is the ever present, all powerful, just, loving, father of all. But this all comes down to trust and faith, which is a daily struggle for me.

I know as soon as I find my true fulfillment in Him it will be easy to get over my pride and jealousy and attempt to reconnect to those I have lost along the way. I will no longer blame others for this pain but rather hand it over to the only one who can take it away. I will not fear rejection because even if I were rejected I could find acceptance in Him. I will not be trembling in the corner because God could take on that burden. I am not saying that God magically makes you happy and have no pain or fears (he could do that but it isn’t how he usually works.) What he does to is make the weight bearable because he will never leave you or forsake you, never let you down, and will take on your burdens for he already bore them on the cross.

Living in a new "Always"

I know I lack a lot and I have a lot of growing to do. However it has always been sort of a gift of mine to have compassion for people, or well “always” since I’ve been born again into my new nature under Jesus. And if you want “always” to get more specific, it would be since I started my personal relationship with him the summer I turned 17. Now again, this compassion hasn’t always been a deep consistent compassion especially when I was hurting, scared, or just flat out running from God. But all that aside, it has “always” been a part of who I am now.

It is natural for me to have compassion for my friends when they hurt, it is my job to have compassion for the fatherless that our society often forgets, it is the teachings of my savior to have compassion toward my enemies, and it’s my specific calling to have compassion for the suffering of countries who yearn for the gospel. But, today our happy little friend, Facebook, that we would all be lost without, put my compassion to a test.

After church, lunch, a movie and a nap I decided to venture out to a coffee shop and borrow their internet. While I love Sugar Browns and speak highly of them frequently, today I went to the heart of Boho chic college-kid’s ville. That’s right my friends I am writing this to you at J&;B coffee house, where the coffee is cheap, the internet is free and dreadlocks run amuck. No lie, right now as I type this there is a rainbow outside the window, acoustic guitars, a Frisbee game in the parking lot, apple computers everywhere, what looks like a bicycle rally in the front, and more dreads than a Bob Marley concert. But I enjoy the atmosphere.

I found myself a little corner opened up my out of place IBM ThinkPad and went right to my fall back time killer, Facebook. When BAM! There it was, slander, hate-talk, internet bullying, ignorance, immaturity, crudeness, whatever you want to call it. It sent the blood coursing through my veins. Some random person had called someone, I love very much, a very derogative, dirty, hurtful name right there for the whole world to see.



My Mommy and Me

 Something in me snapped, I wanted very much for this person to hurt; I wanted justice for the pain they had caused my loved one. The only way I can think of to describe this is to compare myself to a lioness defending her cubs from the scrounging hyenas. So what did I do? I called my mommy. My mom is my best friend and usually helps me through these things. She is very level headed and always thinks of things objectively. But she didn’t answer, that’s her one flaw. She often forgets to turn her phone off silent after she returns from work leaving me stranded to handle my own messes like an adult.

So instead of thinking about the situation in a rational way or taking my anger and bitterness to God like I needed to, I let it sit and fester inside of me. Eventually my mom called me back and just letting the anger out helped but it didn’t make it go away.

As I sat for a while and thought about what had just happened and why I felt the way I did toward a complete stranger. It occurred to me that Hate breeds Hate. So I used the same internet that had been used as a tool to stir up this hate to open up ESV.org… My online bible. It’s not as good as the real thing but in times of need serves its purpose. I read Titus chapter 3. Titus 3:3 says 3 For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another.

This is true. It was like this for me in the time before my “always” but God came and gave me a regeneration, he justified me and game me hope, read further. Titus 3:4-7 4 But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, 6 whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7 so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life

And because of this new “always” in my life I shouldn’t hate this hater who hurt the one I love, but rather devote myself to goodness for the Lord because it will be more profitable for all people. Titus 3:8 8 The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people.

I want to make it clear here that the following scriptures emphasize not to put an emphases on the good works because it is by God’s mercy and not the law that we are found righteous in Christ. But it was this chapter that reminded me: to hate this person not only goes against my “always” but it is not profitable for this person either. If I hate him but claim to love God am I a liar. Therefore I am sorry, Facebook person, for my anger and hatred toward you. I am not a liar and I love God therefore I must also love you….. But please stop calling people ugly names. Ok? Ok.